Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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