I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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