my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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