ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
