Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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