she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
