this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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