How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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