He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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