Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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