Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
