I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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