From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
