I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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