Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
