I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Randomize
