Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
