Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
