I'm jealous of your bromance
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
