I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
