then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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