Welp...herpes.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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