you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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