I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
