i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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