i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
