who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
