when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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