I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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