TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
