I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
