I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
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