dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
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Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
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Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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