Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
