You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
