Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
people are starting to question the shark bite story
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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