Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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