??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
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