OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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