my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
