get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
