Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
