Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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