The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
