he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
