my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
