don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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