can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
