Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
