he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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