True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
