I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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