Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
