He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
