I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
