Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
