I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
