My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
