I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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