True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.