i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE