my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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