i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think I am morally bankrupt
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
